My Own Worst Enemy

Last summer, I started a simple little blog and a complimentary plus size fashion instagram account. I have loved fashion and beauty for many years, so putting together this platform and this community has filled my heart with such joy. Joy when other areas of life felt super heavy.

I can say that, while generating a second source of income is appealing, it is not the primary reason for the existence of Melb+. Especially since I have grossed a whole $5 in 9 months. I know, I know, I am not doing it right, but that is not the point. The point is, that I do it because I enjoy it! Being a part of this community that tells women of all shapes, “you can take up space in the world of style and beauty” means everything to me! It is everything I did not have growing up.

But let me tell you what I did today. Today, instead of being my own best friend, I behaved like my own worst enemy. I work 40 hours a week outside of the home. I am a mother and run a household. This morning, I spent about 3 hours HAVING FUN! I created fun make-up looks, dressed up to create some spring/summer content and just had a good ole time. Sadly, the whole time I was battling thoughts that went something like this…

“You could be cleaning or organizing right now.”

“You are wasting time.”

“This is so self-centered.”

“You could be doing things for the household.”

“You could be finishing that parenting book.”

Now mind you, today I did three loads of laundry, fed my child a hot breakfast and took her to school, vacuumed the house, did the groceries and came home to put them away. I spent time with my little one after school and we had fun together. I had indeed tended to my duties, but I couldn’t hear that over all the self-judgement. I struggle with not feeling “good enough”.

After bedtime routine was done, I felt this sense of failure. As though the day was not all it could have been. I felt uneasy with myself. In search of a remedy, I made myself a delicious snack. A snack I had not planned on and was not hungry for. This would, moments after eating it, fuel more feelings of failure. It’s a slippery slope.

A best friend would have said, “Melanie you did so much today, be PROUD.” OR ”Melanie, a few hours spent on fun or rest is not wasteful.” OR ”Melanie, be CONTENT with the day, it was enough and so are you.” A best friend may have said, “If you decide to eat this snack, eat it joyfully! But don’t eat to drown out feelings of failure.”

I struggle to be this kind of voice for myself. So here is your reminder to be your own best friend. Lovingly notice a legitimate stirring in your heart if there is an area where you need to pivot and modify. Pray for guidance, should you need it, on how to best use your time. Look over your priorities. Do NOT, however, call yourself lazy, unorganized, or selfish with the end goal of sitting in a pool of judgement. This serves nobody, and only gainfully employs your inner critic. Find the truth and tell your inner critic to shut it! Find your balance. Give yourself grace and permission to ENJOY the gift of LIFE. Wear the dress. Put on the makeup! Take up space and time! You are enough. Hugs, Melb+